Lockdown

Well guys, here we are, the fourth week into the lockdown and with no end in sight. I'm currently furloughed and so, relatively speaking, I'm better off than a lot of folk not fortunate enough to be in that position. There are many hundreds of people losing their lives each day and leaving loved ones devastated, frustrated and unable to begin the process of grieving their sad losses. I am fortunate that my family has not been blighted by this curse as of yet, and I hope to God that this virus is brought under control sooner rather than later. We have local access to food and provisions and have not gone without during the course of this lockdown. Others, I know, have not been as fortunate. So here I sit, day in and day out just waiting, patiently, for life to return to normal. But there's something missing. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it, I just thought it was the lockdown getting to me. I wasn't myself, couldn't think straight, couldn't settle, couldn't sleep. I found my hands shaking, I rocked back and forth on the sofa. I found myself drenched in perspiration, I was being nice to the cats and I allowed a large spider to crawl over my foot in the garden. There was something definitely wrong with me.

It dawned on me one morning as I perspired and shook like a leaf, sitting on the toilet, during my normal morning ablutions. My moment of enlightenment. For those close to me, they know that an integral and important part of my DNA, my makeup, my character is being a moaning, grumbling old grouch. It's what I do. I'm only ever at one with myself when having a good moan, I feel at ease, it gives me a buzz, a reason to carry on. And I'd stopped being myself. Out of sheer respect to those around me, less fortunate than myself, I'd stopped moaning. I'd allowed myself to become normal.

Therefore, please allow me to get the following off my chest on the grounds of mental stabilization:

For a start off, I'm sick and tired of watching crap films for the sake of it, in particular kids films like Toy Story (all bloody four of 'em) and Disney+ films like Lady and the bleedin' Tramp! Alvin and the twatting Chipmunks! Bigfoot and the b*stard Hendersons! I'm sick of listening to the news and the playlists on my MP3 player, on and on they go incessant, same old stuff, day in, day out. Decorating, stripping wallpaper, painting, glossing, moving stuff around so I can access dodgy corners, putting it back without swearing. Gardening, cutting, trimming, eyeing up every pebble twenty times a day in case it had somehow shuffled out of place! I'm sick of eating. Toast on a morning, porridge, cereal! I want a bacon sandwich from Greggs dammit! Sick of the sight of Pasta and if I don't cut down on the intake of chocolate I'll have an arse the size of Seacroft before this lockdown is lifted! I'm sick of making and drinking tea, gallons of the stuff, every single day. Kettle, water, cups, tea bags, sweetener, milk, teaspoon, over and over again, morning, noon and night! And I'm bored with the tedious practice of drinking red wine and cider (not quite sufficiently bored to stop though). But my biggest problem is the buses. Gone are the days when the evil controllers maliciously toyed with my vulnerable psyche, messing me around with untruthful bus schedules, unreliable timekeeping and downright lies on the computer-generated ticker-tape address systems. The times they kept me waiting, 20 minutes, thirty minutes, forty minutes only for me to storm up to the top deck and smash away at my iPhone, incensed, as I took great pleasure in reporting to the whole world the indiscretions of the said bus company and how they had made my life a complete miserable, living HELL! These outbursts not only calmed my nerves but they infused and energised me and so by the time I returned home I was flushed and invigorated, ready to take on the band of motley cats, awaiting my return, show them who was boss in my house... my house, not theirs. Not now though. This lockdown has put paid to that. The cats run this household, of that there is no doubt. I am, unfortunately, a pale shadow of my former self.

Thank you for your patience with that. I feel a little better already.

In any case, this virus puts things into perspective. We can put up with these minor indiscretions whilst others are left to fight the battle on our behalf. A big thanks from me to ALL KEY workers who are helping to keep the country afloat during these uncertain times.

Please keep yourselves and your families safe and well.

PS: A big thank you for all your support with the launch of Lonely Ballerina which reached a peak of 3004 in the Amazon rankings out of 6000000 (six million). Your support has been overwhelming so a massive thanks to all of you. The sequel, The Girl, is already underway and will probably be ready by early 2022.

PSS: I lied about the spider.